Coaching and being with emotions
How a coach shows up when a client is feeling emotionally raw or senses an emotional block can make a big difference in how a conversation unfolds. In Cal Banyan’s book, The Secret Language of Feelings A Rational Approach to Emotional Mastery he delivers a master course in how feelings drive our behavior. Unaddressed emotions hinder our ability to respond to others, and the book explains the seven basic emotions and how suppressing those emotions creates frustration and how chronic frustration triggers cycles of depression which may or may not become chronic as well.
What are “bad” feelings?
Banyan uses his years of experience as a hypnotherapist to define the types of “bad” feelings we often experience in our lives. His insight into how we distract ourselves to avoid emotional discomfort and how we can use simple methods to overcome the cycle of distraction and frustration are simple, easy-to-use, and based on real human actions.
The biggest takeaway from his book is that unmet needs that are treated with distractions lead to frustration. From un-discharged frustration we learn to give up and begin feeling depressed.
When a client comes to me and expresses frustration, we explore what the underlying, unexpressed emotion might be. By examining when, where, and how they have hidden feelings using Banyan’s model we can uncover and speak about any unmet needs. In many cases getting to the core emotional need creates an opportunity to process it and clear the space.
Banyan views emotional states as “Wisdom” and he methodically explores the wisdom of feeling Bored, Angry, Guilty, Sad, Lonely, Inadequate, Stressed, & Fearful. He also talks about the Wisdom of trying to distract ourselves, and how that leads to feeling Frustrated, and possibly Depressed. He also speaks to Sympathy, and how to recognize when we are using it appropriately.
I found the self-coaching components at the end of each chapter to be especially valuable. The first time I read this book in the early 2000’s I was too personally “stuck” to use the tools, and too stubborn to ask for help. If I had been meeting regularly with a coach this approach would have likely led to a breatkthrough – how much we change! If you would like to learn how to recognize your feelings and relate to others when they feel frustrated or overwhelmed, this book is miraculous.
If this book review inspired you, or you are seeking the right coach, I would love to have a complimentary get-to-know you call. Reach out today to discover if it makes sense for us to be coaching together.