Great Listening Skills For Coaches
These tips and approaches, something I call “Next Level Listening,” are a set of tools that help coaches better understand their clients. It combines ideas from communication theory, body language training, and Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP). When coaches use these tools, they can spot things their clients might not say out loud, creating new insights and better conversations.
Understanding NLP
NLP studies people who are successful and figures out how they think and act. If something in your life isn’t working well, there’s probably a hidden pattern or strategy you’re using that needs to be discovered and improved. Changing how you handle one area of your life can make everything better.
Most of our life strategies happen without us realizing it. A trained coach can help bring these hidden patterns to light so you can see them and make them work better for you.
Coaching at a Deeper Level
By learning to spot signals, metaphors, and signs of unconscious communication, we can develop new ways of thinking about ourselves and change how we interact with others.
When people feel stuck, they usually have a blind spot in their behavior. Take procrastination as an example – it’s a habit that happens outside of our awareness. When clients beat themselves up about procrastinating even though they know it works against their goals, they’re caught in a battle between what they consciously want and what they unconsciously do.
The Ten Ways to Listen Deeply
Here are the ten key areas coaches pay attention to when using Next Level Listening:
- Word choices that show how someone thinks (using visual, hearing, feeling, or logical words)
- Sentences with hidden meanings that need more exploration
- Eye movements that show how someone is forming their thoughts
- Mixed messages between words and body language (like saying “yes” while shaking your head “no”)
- Voice tones and sounds (like sighs) that carry emotion
- Hand gestures and body movements that add meaning to words
- Complex ideas packed into single words (like “relationship” or “freedom”)
- Negative language patterns using words like “not,” “un-,” and “but”
- Extreme words like “always,” “never,” “everyone,” and “nobody”
- Incomplete descriptions where important parts of the story are missing
How to Use Next Level Listening
1. Pay Attention to Thinking Styles
People use different types of words when they tell stories:
- Visual words: see, look, picture, bright, clear
- Hearing words: listen, sounds, hear, loud, quiet
- Feeling words: feel, touch, grasp, heavy, light
- Logical words: think, understand, process, analyze
When your client uses one type of word, it helps to respond using the same type. For example:
Client: “My boss never listens to me.” Coach: “I hear what you’re saying. Can you tell me more about that?”
This response matches the client’s hearing-based language (“listens”) and helps them feel understood.
Using the wrong type of words can create distance:
Client: “My boss never listens to me.” Coach: “I see what you’re saying. Let’s look at the issues.”
The client talked about listening (hearing), but the coach responded with seeing words, which might make the client feel misunderstood.
2. Look for Deeper Meanings
Sentences often have more to them than what’s on the surface. When a client says, “My boss never listens to me,” there’s a lot of missing information:
- Which boss exactly?
- Never, not even once?
- What does “listening” mean to the client?
- What topics aren’t being heard?
Asking about these details helps uncover the real issue.
3. Watch Eye Movements
Eye movements can show what part of the brain someone is using:
- Looking up: Visual thinking (images)
- Looking side-to-side: Hearing (sounds or internal dialogue)
- Looking down: Feelings or internal conversation
These movements can help coaches understand how clients are processing information, even if they’re not saying it out loud.
4. Notice Mixed Messages
Sometimes people say one thing but their body language says something else. For example, a client might say “yes” while shaking their head “no.”
As a coach, you can gently point this out: “I noticed you said ‘yes’ but moved your head differently. Can you tell me more about that?”
5. Listen for Emotional Sounds
Sighs, laughs, and other sounds often carry emotional meaning. Reflecting these sounds back can help clients become aware of their feelings:
Client: “And then he said [heavy sigh] that’s just the way it is…” Coach: “And [heavy sigh] that’s just the way it is. What does that sigh mean to you?” Client: “I sigh like that when I feel really disappointed.”
6. Watch Body Language
People use gestures to show what they’re picturing in their minds. These gestures create a mental map of their story. Paying attention to where they place things in space can provide valuable insights.
7. Unpack Complex Words
Some words pack entire processes into a single term. Words like “communication,” “relationship,” and “respect” mean different things to different people.
Client: “I need to fix my work relationships.” Coach: “Which relationships specifically need fixing?” Client: “My coworker won’t say hi to me.”
Now the coach knows the specific issue rather than the vague concept of “relationships.”
8. Reframe Negative Language
Our brains struggle with negative statements. When someone says, “I won’t eat more than 1800 calories,” they first have to think about eating more than 1800 calories.
It’s more effective to focus on what you will do: “I will eat 1800 calories or less.”
9. Challenge Extreme Language
Words like “always,” “never,” “everyone,” and “nobody” rarely reflect reality. When clients use these words, coaches can gently challenge them:
Client: “He’s always late.” Coach: “Has there ever been a time when he was on time?”
Finding exceptions helps clients see that change is possible.
10. Fill in Missing Pieces
Sometimes clients leave out important parts of their stories. If they describe what they saw and felt but not what they said to themselves, the coach might ask:
Client: “I was sitting at my desk watching the news and felt so frustrated.” Coach: “What did you tell yourself as you watched?” Client: “I thought, ‘That poor family…'”
This adds the missing piece and opens new areas to explore.
Start Using These Skills
Try using these ten listening techniques in your coaching conversations. With practice, you’ll create stronger connections with clients and help them gain deeper insights about themselves.